What 2018 Has Taught Me

Every year I start January off by announcing that it’s going to be my year, that things will work out, that everything’s about to fall into place. It’s going to be the year I go travelling and fall in love and find my dream job. So, in a way that happened.

It also really didn’t.

I think the thing is, no year is going to be all round fantastic. Life throws curve balls at us constantly, it’s a continuing war between you and the rest of the world. Some people thrive on it, and other people crumble. I’m both. I crumble and then I thrive.

And thats what happened. I crumbled and it’s only now I’m starting to come out of it. Helloooo world, you’re suddenly not looking too shabby.

With that, heres what I’ve learnt in the last 12 months.

A job is literally that, a job.

It is not worth the stress and tears. In October I gave up a “career” for what’s classed as a “gap year job” and I’ve never felt better. Yeah, theres drama and cliques and the usual shit but there’s also my best friend helping me everyday, a whole new group of incredible people, I work in a place where I don’t bring the stress and grief home with me. It’s not an outrageously good job, I’m not amazing at it yet, it’s not my dream – but I’m so content and that in itself is bliss.

No isn’t always saying no.

It’s something I’m still trying to wrap my head around. It’s something I’m working on. It’s something that wasn’t my fault. It’s okay that I feel like this – scared and unable to be comfortable in intimate situations. It’s something that we all need to accept, no isn’t always shouting “no” and if you’re unsure if its a no or a yes, then you stop.

Fuck boys ain’t shit.

I swear I have like this sixth sense that just makes me unintentionally attracted to them. They’ll mess you around, tell you they love you when they don’t, go for your pals, they’ll make you feel like you can’t go on without them but when reality hits, and its you out there living life after deleting their number, it’s wonderful.

With that, it’s okay to have your heart broken.

Mine broke this year. I feel like a dramatic school girl but there, I said it. My ex told me he loved me and two weeks later broke up with me via Snapchat. And I was crushed. He came back and left and came back and left. Each time, the pain in my chest got even harder to handle as I realised he wasn’t sticking around, that the amazing start we had was long gone, that I wasn’t enough anymore. And he’s allowed to leave, he didn’t have to stay but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

Travelling helps the soul.

I didn’t travel much this year and guess what, the little plane shaped tattoo in my heart is sad. Seeing other countries, cities and cultures brings you a feeling like nothing else can. I spent some time in London this year and it was actually calming to blend into a hectic city and take it all in. I just want spend my life making memories out with the sane little town, have a routine but always have something different happening.

Keep your drinks close.

I’m *99.9%* sure I was spiked not so long ago. One minute I was a happy drunk making memories and the next is a black hole where no memory is ever getting out of. There’s other factors and symptoms to make me (and nurses) think this without having a blood test done. And honestly, I’m scared. I’m so scared to go for a city night out again. I’m scared of what I did or said – or what I didn’t say. Keep your drinks close – we always say things won’t happen to us, and then they do. Be safe and be kind.

Toxic people aren’t worth your time.

If someone is bringing you down, explicitly or otherwise, then ask yourself – do you really need them in your life? I’m currently working on having those who really care about me in my circle. I don’t want to be part of bitchiness or competitions or lies. Take it elsewhere. Let your soul be happy.

Don’t lose your hobbies.

I’ve been so bored when I’m not crying or working or sleeping or drunk. I miss everything. I miss shinty and photography and hell, I miss writing. Let’s go to the gym, try that pole dancing class, go on road trips, cinema dates and when summer comes, let’s not hide away because we’re insecure. I want to experience it all because I’ve experienced nothing and it’s not worth it.

You deserve to be happy.

I mean who says we shouldn’t be? You deserve all of the above; quit the job that’s causing unreal stress, ditch the boy who’s only thinking of himself, lose the friends that aren’t interested, pick up an old hobby. Be you. As cringe as it is, as soon as you’re you, that’s when you become happy.


Head to toe in Primark. Bag old stock.

Ciao x


Movies To Watch This Halloween

Ah we’re here – crisp mornings and dark nights, sweater weather and pretty boots, blankets and popcorn. It’s autumn. And of course, with autumn comes Halloween – and with Halloween comes horror.

Nope I’m not going to sit and list the usual Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas etc despite my photo (also most people go for a hot chocolate on a cosy night, not me, I apparently pick the cider). Anyway on another note, TNBC is a must. Get it watched, on repeat. I mean, mixing two of the best holidays together into one film??? Yes pls. Tim burton??? Yes pls. The songs??? Yes pls.

Now back to today’s point.

Let’s have a mix, nothing beats a classic horror but you have to love the authenticity of films nowadays. Get the blankets (and possibly cushions to hide behind) ready and get these on your to watch list.

1. The Shining

A classic. Man takes his family to deserted hotel then goes insane??? Nice. It’s not scary but a very good watch – I can’t wait to read the book, I believe that’ll be the terrifying one.

2. Carrie

Another classic, this 70s film follows a girl who’s overly religious mother smothers her, tells her everything she does is a sin and makes her life hell. She has no friends, the girls at school bully her, the boys ignore her. What else can she do but use the devils magic inside to fight back?

3. The Woman In Black

I loved this. I didn’t go to the cinema to see it (when it came out I hated horrors – who even was I?) and so when it finally came onto Netflix I got round to watching it and I’ve seen it so many times since. It’s creepy, ominous and gives you chills.

4. 3096 Days

Based on the true story of Natascha Kampusch, this shows you the ordeal she went through after being abducted the age of 10 years old. She lived in a secret bunker under her kidnappers garage and stayed there for 8 years. As time went on she was allowed out more and was trusted more by her kidnapper until she managed to escape. It’s a hard watch I won’t even pretend it’s not. It took me two attempts to watch it all the way through but I did some research on her and found it very interesting.

5. Beauty and The Beast (2017)

There’s something about this being a live action that brings out the horror side of the Disney Classic, so if you’re not up for a full on scream fest, shaking and hiding behind a cushion sort of film, take this as a better option! Based on the animation, it’s amazingly portrayed through Emma Watson, Luke Evans and Dan Stevens. Like I say, hardly a horror but a little scarier now that it’s not a child’s animation.

6. Jigsaw

If you loved the Saw films then obviously you’re going to love this one too. Pretty gory but still a good watch. Watch as Jigsaw tries to take down people for their sins when they refuse to admit what they’ve done.

7. Psycho

The famous Norman Bates. It’s such a classic, nothing like a black and white serial killer horror to watch after a long hard day. Does that make me sound crazy?? Maybe it’s my love for Norman coming out. Moving on.

8. Would You Rather

Omg. Okay. I love this film. I think you either love it or you hate it. A rich family invites a number of people in need of help to sadistic dinner party where they play a deadly game of the famous child’s game “Would You Rather”. SO GOOD – and a little brutal at times.

9. The House At The End Of The Street

After her parents divorce, teenager Elissa moves to a small town with her mother. They hear about the tragedy that happened in the house down from theirs where a young girl Carrie-Anne murdered her parents and then disappeared with no trace. Her brother, similar age to Elissa, was the only one to survive that night. Elissa and Ryan become involved but the unsolved mystery still lingers until the questions are answered.

10. Berlin Syndrome

Young woman decides to pack up and travel and soon arrives in Berlin. She meets Andi who she has a one night stand with but it turns sinister when he locks Clare in his apartment and holds her prisoner.

There are so many more, I could go on forever. I actually look through Netflix and go “hey this looks like a good horror!!” And realise half way through that I have in fact already seen it. Good to know I still enjoy it the second time round mind you.

Also anything to do with supernatural or exorcisms are always a good shout. Just sayin’.

So yeah, horror fest anyone?

I’m Suicidal But I Do Not Want To Die – TW

Mental health is a hard thing to deal with for anyone. It shows your worst, most vulnerable and confused sides. It makes you do and say things you never thought you would. It makes you push people away and cling onto them at the same time. It makes you doubt you – who you are, your capabilities, your strengths and talents, your whole demeanour is suddenly up in turmoil. It’s a hard thing to cope with every single day and so many want an out. I want an out.

Because the thing is,

I am suicidal but I do not want to die.

It makes me sad – the idea and hope that people could care for me but it’ll only show once it’s too late. I sometimes wonder, who’d turn up to my funeral? I assume my best friends would but what about the guy from my old college class, the girl I had a heart to heart with on a night out, the guy I slept with, what about the people I was friends with and now walk past in the street?

The problem with feeling like this is you have to deal with thoughts that you’d wish on no one. You have to go about your normal life while your brain asks if that ex your not over would care, what would your friends say? Would your parents be surprised if you just made it all go away? What if it was at someone else’s hands rather than your own? An accident? No one could blame you then. You just sit there, feel the world go past you and wonder, even when you don’t want it to happen.

Or maybe to an extent you do. Maybe it’s like you deserve it, maybe then you’ll be worth something, you’ll matter. You’ll matter even more because you’ll survive it. You’ll be the person who almost died and miraculously made it through. You’ll get better and the world will in turn accept you. You’ll accept you.

But instead nothing happens. You don’t feel anymore worthy than you did yesterday. And that in itself is a battle. You have to continue to fight while no one notices, hardly anyone checks in because like everyone, they assume you’re just out there living life. But is this a life?

I’m not so sure, a life with suicidal ideation makes normal day to day, run of the mill tasks strenuous. I wonder what it’s like, to not feel this way. It’s all I’ve known since I was 13 – it’s not always constant but it’s always there, like a haze at the back of mind until the fog takes over.

But I want the fog to disappear. I want to see the sun and feel the fresh air again, that typical girl-running-through-a-field happiness is something I crave. That sense of freedom, like I could do anything. I really do want the fog to disappear. I just don’t know how.

I think the problem is we push ourselves so hard to be our best versions, we naturally want people to like us, we try to please others and in turn we lose our own happiness by trying to create it for others. What would happen if we lost our toxic friends, the job that makes us miserable? Would it be so wrong for us to take Mental Health days? Why is it so hard for people to accept that our brain can be damaged? If we fall, everyone runs to make sure we’re okay. If its a broken leg, everyone wants to sign our cast. If we have cancer, people visit the hospital. But a chemical imbalance? It’s for attention, or its us just being pathetic. How do you beat a society that would rather make you work with tears rolling down your cheeks than one that tells us it is in fact okay to not be okay.

Because it is. I am not okay – and that in itself is okay.

If you’re experiencing anything like what I have written then please feel free to message me, also try to reach out to a loved one or a doctor. You are not alone in this.

The Loss of Hope

My mind is foggy, distant, a suffocation.

My eyes are tired, heavy, two glazed shells.

My emotions are anger, fear and the loss of hope.

I’m sat in a world that is too fast for me, the never ending, never stopping pace is something I can’t keep up with. I feel myself losing grip on my life, my sanity. I try to keep going and enjoy my nine-to-five, my drunk weekends, my Netflix marathons yet every waking moment I have a dagger pain in my chest that leaves me with the inability to breathe comfortably. My head feels too full of air with no way to extract it. My limbs and muscles ache and pull me down all while I feel the hatred for life grow. Not life as a whole, but just my own.

I imagine a beautiful life but it’s hard to see it when the people you believe would be in it are no longer, I imagine an excelling career when I have no prospects, I see a family, invites to events, glamorous outfits and perfect locks yet all the time I gaze into it, I feel it slip away further and further, into the depths of nothing.

I don’t want to be like this but I wonder, how much longer will I last? How long can I go before the crumbling creates an avalanche? How bad do I have to feel to be on the receiving end of support? How do I ask? How do I explain a mind that does not work?

Or is it a life of war on myself, will it forever be a constant fight to not step out in front of a speeding car? Will it be a constant fear that I end up in hospital, either at my own hand or someone else’s? Do I need to forever live with the fear of someone leaving me? Watching me? Taunting me? Will I always be terrified of those around me, as well as myself? Will there ever be a point in this life where I feel content? Comfortable? God forbid, even happy?

I’m not sure how to fix this, I’m not sure that I want too. I’m not ready for the failure or the famous disappointed-but-not-surprised glint in my peers eyes as they realise there is no saving me? That this is me. That this is all I am.

Is there more to life than this feeling of empty sadness? Or are some people just not built for this world? I don’t know. I used to think everyone was here because they were able to handle the fierceness of this life and yet I wonder, am I? Am I fierce enough, brave enough? Is my spirit fiery enough to fight through my broken soul? Am I the light in anyone’s life?

More importantly, could I be the light in my own?

My To Be Read List

My TBR list just keeps growing. I get too involved in my own head, my own worries, my own anxiety and sometimes you have to take a step back from the world. What’s a better way to forget everything in reality then falling into a whole other world that’s written right in front of you?

I fell out of love with reading for a while and it left my imagination running short. I was too stressed about my own life and never got a minute for my brain to stop. Over the last couple of months I’ve been collecting books to read and slowly – like really slowly – I’m starting to get through them.

The Sister

Grace tragically loses her best friend and in the midst of trying to find her secrets, she comes across a girl claiming to be Charlie’s sister. Soon things go missing and something feels really wrong and it’s clear that Grace didn’t know Charlie as well as she thought.

Disney: A Whole New World – A Twisted Tale

I love Aladdin, it’s one of my favourite Disney films so when I saw this I had to buy it. A darker version of my beloved story? Always ready for that. I’ve seen mixed reviews about this, it is hard to defer from the original classic but I’m intrigued. What would happen if Aladdin hadn’t got the lamp? What would Jafar do? What would happen to jasmine? I swear if anyone hurts Rajah I am going to sue.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Based around 15 year old Mariam in Afghanistan, she has feuding parents and a complicated relationship between herself and them both as well. Then she is sent off to marry. Almost 20 years later, in the midst of the Taliban taking over, a friendship grows between her and teenager Laila. It’s meant to be cover starvation, brutality, love and fear – with a bunch of heroism.

Current reads:

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

Odd girl Eleanor goes to work everyday, in the same clothes, same route, does the tasks and keeps her head down. She doesn’t need friends. Until she gets one. In her determination to find a singer, she meets someone else, someone who annoys her yet it is so clear she cares. She starts to question and confront her way of living. She doesn’t see a problem with the way she is, she doesn’t know what her “Mummy” did. She starts to see the world in a different life as she realises she is surrounded by good people. A beautiful story about mental health, tragedy and moving on.

Talking With Serial Killers

I love this. It’s non-fiction, something I’ve always tended to avoid. I love the fact things aren’t true in my favourite crime books but lately with the crime documentaries on Netflix, the way the mind of a serial killer works is something that interests me. So I bought the book. I LOVE it. If it is a little too much at times. Over the course of years, the author has interviewed many serial killers multiple times in order to find out their story and has brought it all together in a book.

Please send through some more suggestions, I’m constantly looking for new books to fill up the shelves!

Ciao x x

Talkin’ August

I’m sat here thinking about this next month. It’s exciting, there’s so much to happen and so much that could then involve my blog. I saw the lovely DorkFaceBlog done a post similar and I thought, hey gal let’s set yourself some goals!

Publish a shit ton of posts. And get more blog views.

Half of them are sat there in the drafts column either half finished or awaiting photos to accompany them. It’s time to get them out there, how am I gonna get anywhere if I don’t actually post???

Go wild in Manchester – and document it!

It’s going to be a photographers – and bloggers – dream. And I’m going to be drunk. Hell yes. To make it even better? I’m going with my best friend who btw is a photographer and has a blog! We’re in awe. We’re talking architecture and outfit shots galore.

Make a dent in my TBR list!

I have four books beside my bed waiting to be read and a whole load saved on Amazon ready to be ordered and have I gotten through them? Nope. I’m FINALLY starting Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine – I know I’m so behind and I’m so intrigued! Plus a book on real life serial killers? Makes my stomach churn but I’ve gotta know!

Find something that makes me happy

Sounds cringe. Although, right now I’m in a rut. I’m pretty miserable with a lot of things in my life and I need that to change. I need new scenery, new challenges. Tips on living your best life is highly appreciated. I’m thinking the basics; exercise, eat well, meditate. I can’t give myself too much at once or I’ll be overwhelmed. It’s hard, I can’t go into too much as of yet, I can’t really vent and say what’s wrong but the changes will be something for me to talk about in the future.

Start the reinvention

Similar to the above, I’m bored of my clothes, my hair, my general looks. The way my bedroom is laid out. It’s all outdated and dull. I’m over it.

Continue the make up looks!

I had a lot of fun creating my Tequila Sunrise one and I really want to up my game! Watch out Zoella babes x

What are your August goals?

Ciao x

Three Days In London

Three days in London – the crazy city that never seems to stop and I tackled it on my own (near enough), so I’m here blowing my own trumpet n shit.

FYI- my cousins stay down there so I crashed at theirs to save money on hotels as I had already spent £300 odd on flights. Buttttt they were working from like 6am-8/9pm so y’know it was me against the world, or um London.

Kicking off my trip on the Monday I got myself to the tube and travelled to Westminster to see the stunning architecture on the hottest day of the trip. Got myself to the London Eye (on a detour obviously because following google maps was too sensible) and ended up on an open top bus tour where I saw half of London in the space of a couple of hours – and not going to lie, I was totally doing my best Joey impressions with my camera – hopped off at Marble Arch where I sat in Hyde Park with some long overdue lunch before trying to make my way down Oxford Street. A whole other world, I thought Glasgow’s Buchanan Street was busy but fs.

*Also got asked on a date by a guy and he gave me his number, that never happens in Glasgow – or at least not to me anyway.*

Second day saw me in Nottinghill, Kensington, Camden and Covent Garden. Basic white girl moment – NOTTING HILL IS SO GODDAMN PRETTY – anddddd moment over. Camden felt like I was abroad, with the markets and stalls and open shops. Covent Garden was looking as lovely as ever too. The cute little quaint shops down the side streets made my heart soar. The whole day was just a loud dazing dream.

Forward to nighttime and somehow my cousins have finished work early and we hop along to Westfield for some bowling and food before coming back and crashing out. Bliss. (Also I came second, how good am I?)

The third and last day, I was ready to come home. I was shattered, my back was agony with stress (a normal occurrence but it was made worse by the pre holiday fear that I’d get lost and die in a city I hardly know), plus I had barely spoken to anyone for the majority of three days – not ideal when you talk a lot – and sometimes you just need a good cuddle. So I packed up my things and went back to Westfield to kill some time before trying to get myself to the airport, which by the way I managed.

I felt like I was achieving so much but I did miss the company. Travelling on my own is something I’d love to do again, if I only plan it better so I don’t get stressed. The whole experience opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes you can do things you’re scared of and I’m not the same terrified little girl I was before.

Travel fills the soul and its the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.

And of course, here’s my fav snaps of the trip – thank my Nikon D3300.