The Loss of Hope

My mind is foggy, distant, a suffocation.

My eyes are tired, heavy, two glazed shells.

My emotions are anger, fear and the loss of hope.

I’m sat in a world that is too fast for me, the never ending, never stopping pace is something I can’t keep up with. I feel myself losing grip on my life, my sanity. I try to keep going and enjoy my nine-to-five, my drunk weekends, my Netflix marathons yet every waking moment I have a dagger pain in my chest that leaves me with the inability to breathe comfortably. My head feels too full of air with no way to extract it. My limbs and muscles ache and pull me down all while I feel the hatred for life grow. Not life as a whole, but just my own.

I imagine a beautiful life but it’s hard to see it when the people you believe would be in it are no longer, I imagine an excelling career when I have no prospects, I see a family, invites to events, glamorous outfits and perfect locks yet all the time I gaze into it, I feel it slip away further and further, into the depths of nothing.

I don’t want to be like this but I wonder, how much longer will I last? How long can I go before the crumbling creates an avalanche? How bad do I have to feel to be on the receiving end of support? How do I ask? How do I explain a mind that does not work?

Or is it a life of war on myself, will it forever be a constant fight to not step out in front of a speeding car? Will it be a constant fear that I end up in hospital, either at my own hand or someone else’s? Do I need to forever live with the fear of someone leaving me? Watching me? Taunting me? Will I always be terrified of those around me, as well as myself? Will there ever be a point in this life where I feel content? Comfortable? God forbid, even happy?

I’m not sure how to fix this, I’m not sure that I want too. I’m not ready for the failure or the famous disappointed-but-not-surprised glint in my peers eyes as they realise there is no saving me? That this is me. That this is all I am.

Is there more to life than this feeling of empty sadness? Or are some people just not built for this world? I don’t know. I used to think everyone was here because they were able to handle the fierceness of this life and yet I wonder, am I? Am I fierce enough, brave enough? Is my spirit fiery enough to fight through my broken soul? Am I the light in anyone’s life?

More importantly, could I be the light in my own?

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My To Be Read List

My TBR list just keeps growing. I get too involved in my own head, my own worries, my own anxiety and sometimes you have to take a step back from the world. What’s a better way to forget everything in reality then falling into a whole other world that’s written right in front of you?

I fell out of love with reading for a while and it left my imagination running short. I was too stressed about my own life and never got a minute for my brain to stop. Over the last couple of months I’ve been collecting books to read and slowly – like really slowly – I’m starting to get through them.

The Sister

Grace tragically loses her best friend and in the midst of trying to find her secrets, she comes across a girl claiming to be Charlie’s sister. Soon things go missing and something feels really wrong and it’s clear that Grace didn’t know Charlie as well as she thought.

Disney: A Whole New World – A Twisted Tale

I love Aladdin, it’s one of my favourite Disney films so when I saw this I had to buy it. A darker version of my beloved story? Always ready for that. I’ve seen mixed reviews about this, it is hard to defer from the original classic but I’m intrigued. What would happen if Aladdin hadn’t got the lamp? What would Jafar do? What would happen to jasmine? I swear if anyone hurts Rajah I am going to sue.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Based around 15 year old Mariam in Afghanistan, she has feuding parents and a complicated relationship between herself and them both as well. Then she is sent off to marry. Almost 20 years later, in the midst of the Taliban taking over, a friendship grows between her and teenager Laila. It’s meant to be cover starvation, brutality, love and fear – with a bunch of heroism.

Current reads:

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

Odd girl Eleanor goes to work everyday, in the same clothes, same route, does the tasks and keeps her head down. She doesn’t need friends. Until she gets one. In her determination to find a singer, she meets someone else, someone who annoys her yet it is so clear she cares. She starts to question and confront her way of living. She doesn’t see a problem with the way she is, she doesn’t know what her “Mummy” did. She starts to see the world in a different life as she realises she is surrounded by good people. A beautiful story about mental health, tragedy and moving on.

Talking With Serial Killers

I love this. It’s non-fiction, something I’ve always tended to avoid. I love the fact things aren’t true in my favourite crime books but lately with the crime documentaries on Netflix, the way the mind of a serial killer works is something that interests me. So I bought the book. I LOVE it. If it is a little too much at times. Over the course of years, the author has interviewed many serial killers multiple times in order to find out their story and has brought it all together in a book.

Please send through some more suggestions, I’m constantly looking for new books to fill up the shelves!

Ciao x x

Talkin’ August

I’m sat here thinking about this next month. It’s exciting, there’s so much to happen and so much that could then involve my blog. I saw the lovely DorkFaceBlog done a post similar and I thought, hey gal let’s set yourself some goals!

Publish a shit ton of posts. And get more blog views.

Half of them are sat there in the drafts column either half finished or awaiting photos to accompany them. It’s time to get them out there, how am I gonna get anywhere if I don’t actually post???

Go wild in Manchester – and document it!

It’s going to be a photographers – and bloggers – dream. And I’m going to be drunk. Hell yes. To make it even better? I’m going with my best friend who btw is a photographer and has a blog! We’re in awe. We’re talking architecture and outfit shots galore.

Make a dent in my TBR list!

I have four books beside my bed waiting to be read and a whole load saved on Amazon ready to be ordered and have I gotten through them? Nope. I’m FINALLY starting Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine – I know I’m so behind and I’m so intrigued! Plus a book on real life serial killers? Makes my stomach churn but I’ve gotta know!

Find something that makes me happy

Sounds cringe. Although, right now I’m in a rut. I’m pretty miserable with a lot of things in my life and I need that to change. I need new scenery, new challenges. Tips on living your best life is highly appreciated. I’m thinking the basics; exercise, eat well, meditate. I can’t give myself too much at once or I’ll be overwhelmed. It’s hard, I can’t go into too much as of yet, I can’t really vent and say what’s wrong but the changes will be something for me to talk about in the future.

Start the reinvention

Similar to the above, I’m bored of my clothes, my hair, my general looks. The way my bedroom is laid out. It’s all outdated and dull. I’m over it.

Continue the make up looks!

I had a lot of fun creating my Tequila Sunrise one and I really want to up my game! Watch out Zoella babes x

What are your August goals?

Ciao x

Three Days In London

Three days in London – the crazy city that never seems to stop and I tackled it on my own (near enough), so I’m here blowing my own trumpet n shit.

FYI- my cousins stay down there so I crashed at theirs to save money on hotels as I had already spent £300 odd on flights. Buttttt they were working from like 6am-8/9pm so y’know it was me against the world, or um London.

Kicking off my trip on the Monday I got myself to the tube and travelled to Westminster to see the stunning architecture on the hottest day of the trip. Got myself to the London Eye (on a detour obviously because following google maps was too sensible) and ended up on an open top bus tour where I saw half of London in the space of a couple of hours – and not going to lie, I was totally doing my best Joey impressions with my camera – hopped off at Marble Arch where I sat in Hyde Park with some long overdue lunch before trying to make my way down Oxford Street. A whole other world, I thought Glasgow’s Buchanan Street was busy but fs.

*Also got asked on a date by a guy and he gave me his number, that never happens in Glasgow – or at least not to me anyway.*

Second day saw me in Nottinghill, Kensington, Camden and Covent Garden. Basic white girl moment – NOTTING HILL IS SO GODDAMN PRETTY – anddddd moment over. Camden felt like I was abroad, with the markets and stalls and open shops. Covent Garden was looking as lovely as ever too. The cute little quaint shops down the side streets made my heart soar. The whole day was just a loud dazing dream.

Forward to nighttime and somehow my cousins have finished work early and we hop along to Westfield for some bowling and food before coming back and crashing out. Bliss. (Also I came second, how good am I?)

The third and last day, I was ready to come home. I was shattered, my back was agony with stress (a normal occurrence but it was made worse by the pre holiday fear that I’d get lost and die in a city I hardly know), plus I had barely spoken to anyone for the majority of three days – not ideal when you talk a lot – and sometimes you just need a good cuddle. So I packed up my things and went back to Westfield to kill some time before trying to get myself to the airport, which by the way I managed.

I felt like I was achieving so much but I did miss the company. Travelling on my own is something I’d love to do again, if I only plan it better so I don’t get stressed. The whole experience opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes you can do things you’re scared of and I’m not the same terrified little girl I was before.

Travel fills the soul and its the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.

And of course, here’s my fav snaps of the trip – thank my Nikon D3300.

Full Face Bronzed Glam

I’m posting my first ever make up look and honestly I am NO IDEA what I’m doing. Lol.

Two weeks ago I created this look for a birthday dinner and I was sorta feelin’ it so I was thought, hey, let’s write about it because I have sweet F-all else to publish anyway.

As a girl who wears make up most days and gets very excited walking into boots or logging onto her beautybay account, I still hardly know anything about it and like my eyeliner, I just have to wing it. (Ha ha ha ha I’m so funny)

I don’t really know the way to talk you through a make up look on a blog post, do I just list the products, do u want a blow by blow account of what I did, do u want both????? So um, hey let’s take a leap of faith.

*SKIP TO THE BOTTOM IF YOU JUST WANT A LIST*

For the base of this look, I simply moisturised (a Nivea gem) and used a L’Oreal Primer that I deFINITELY DID NOT BUY JUST BECAUSE IT WAS PINK.

I then went onto to use my Collection Illuminating Touch foundation in Porcelain (that cost me about £4 and I looooove it – makes you shiny tho so get ya self some powder) and then used two concealers – both the Maybelline Fit Me in shade 05 & 10, the 05 being used on my forehead, nose, chin, and across my cheeks. The number 10 was used under my eyes. Setting this I used my Maybelline Matte Maker Setting Powder in Classic Ivory. I’m all about that full coverage.

After that, I contoured the crap out my face and it only ended up being slightly noticeable because apparently my cheeks are just that chubby. I used my trusty Sleek Contour and Blush palette in Light 373 and brushed that over my cheek bones, forehead, sides of my nose and under my jawline & chin. Grabbing my cream Precious Metals Sleek highlighter palette I used this as a base for my highlight and well, shoved it on with my finger to my cheeks, nose, and under my eyebrows. Then I added another one because you can never have too much highlighter (which clearly I didn’t have because you can hardly see it fs) which was the Benefit Dandelion Twinkle which has a super pretty shimmer. I also added that to my chin and forehead as well as over the cream.

(NOTE: The Sleek highlight palette in Solstice is a great drugstore one if you don’t use Benefit, Barry M also have some nice highlighter sticks).

I swear I was glowing, the photos do not do this justice.

Using my new Precisely My Brow Pencil from Benefit, I filled them in and structured them somewhat messily – because basically my brows are shit and I can’t stand plucking – then kept it in place with my Maybelline BROWdrama Mascara.

For my eyes I used the STUNNING Chocolate eyeshadow/contour palette from Primark (£6 lads, go get it!) and while I’m terrible at eyeshadow this is a lot of fun to use and the pigmentation is incred and it’s dirt cheap – perfect for the virgin eyeshadow losers like myself.

Liner of course is my trusted Rimmel London Exaggerate liquid liner in black. I’ve been using this since I was 15 and while it can be a bit messy I’m yet to find one I love as much. The solid colour is what drives me to it everytime, black liner that comes out grey? No thank u.

For my lashes I used Primarks SoHo falsies with Maybelline Lash Sensational mascara to blend my natural lashes in. I am in love with Primarks lashes, they’re so full and fluttery.

Finishing off, I primed my lips with (sounds odd) a make up wipe, trusty Blistex Raspberry Lemonade lip balm – SO GOOD – and used my MAC lipstick in Velvet Teddy and overlined my lips slightly. I’d love to say they’re this plump naturally but they ain’t.

And of course, I’m now just going to show you my OOTD as well.

Top: Primark

Skirt: Topshop

Shoes: Deichmann (last summer)

Jacket: New Look (three summers ago – similar on New Look & ASOS)

Products:

Collection Illuminating Touch Foundation in Porcelain

Maybelline Fit Me concealer in 05 & 10

Maybelline Matt Maker Setting Powder in Classic Ivory

Sleek Contour & Blush Palette Light 373

Sleek Precious Metals Highlight Palette

Benefit Dandelion Twinkle Highlighter

Benefit Precisely My Brow 04

Maybelline BROWdrama Eyebrow Mascara in Dark Brown

PS Chocolate Eyeshadow and Contour Palette

Rimmel London Exaggerate Liquid Liner in Black

PS SoHo Falsies

Blistex Raspberry Lemonade Lipbalm

MAC lipstick in Velvet Teddy

Ciao x

Let’s Talk 13 Reasons Why

Over on my old blog I wrote about “13 Reasons Why I couldn’t binge 13 Reasons Why” after I finished season 1. I’m now just finished watching season 2 despite the little sensible voice in the back of my head telling me not too.

13RW is (incase you don’t know but you probs do) about a girl who commits suicide and leaves tapes explaining why she did what she did. The series explores many issues including mental health and suicide as well as bullying, loneliness, rape/sexual assault and of course, being a teenager. You hear about it and think finally! A show that will explain how we feel!! But instead the graphic scenes and long episodes leave us feeling mentally drained and/or triggered.

As a girl who went through school (and college and work and everything) dealing with anxiety and depression, this programme hits you right where it hurts. The comments made against girls smacks you in the face – real life exhibit A where I was made fun of for having an arse and now the same folk are liking every single Kardashian/Jenner pic there is. The bullying and loneliness Hannah feels is all too real for me too. I had friends in school, I had a boyfriend, I’ve had boyfriends and more friends since I left school, I’ve always had a family who cares and yet here I’ve been, sitting for the last seven years feeling like the loneliness person in the world. And if you were to sit a line of 20 girls down in front of you and ask who felt a boy had taken advantage of them in any way shape or form, the likelihood is that all 20 would raise their hand. So many people have felt the way Hannah felt, as well as Clay and Jessica and Alex and Courtney. Yet when we watch it, it doesn’t fill us with hope.

In the final episode of season 1, you *graphically* see Hannah kill herself. I watched that when I was already feeling very depressed and it took me months for baths to no longer be a trigger. A bath used to be a relaxation method for me. Days of avoiding showering and taking care of myself would then be washed away in a mound of bubbles with Netflix on and being able to lie there and not think. After I saw it, it had the opposite effect. I won’t go into details, what’s the point in triggering you with it? But let’s just say, it took me months to lie in the bath and feel comfortable again. And I know I wasn’t the only one.

Season two sees them all continuing to deal with the aftermath but with new struggles – Hannah’s trial mixes into them all trying to continue to live. Alex, having survived his suicide attempt, is filled with anger. Jessica, who survived rape, is struggling to deal with her own emotions and seeing Bryce. Clay is also full of anger. Justin’s life has been ruined by living on the streets and taking heroin.

13RW is incredible for showing how bad life can be but as a show that is also raising awareness, it can bring people back down into a terrifying dark place. We can show how engulfing mental health issues can be without triggering people who are trying to get by.

Thankfully now they have resources for you to use which they didn’t have before and season 1 was without trigger warnings. But now they explained at the start of season 2 that if you are struggling then be cautious in watching as well as the more difficult episodes having warnings. But it’s not enough. We all already saw Hannah kill herself, we all already saw her being raped as well as Jessica, we saw the bullying and everything else. We’ve already seen it all, or so we thought.

There is no amount of trigger warnings that can prepare you for the last episode. Watch with care, especially those who are triggered by sexual assault. In fact, my advice would be just don’t watch it but I know you most likely will. I watched it days ago and that image will haunt me for the rest of my days. I’ve had nightmares about it too. Sexual assault isn’t something I’ve been through though feeling pressured is and if this is how bad it affected me, how is someone who’s been through it going to feel? They say if you’re going to be triggered then don’t watch it. But it’s hard, it’s hard not to get involved in a show that half the world is talking about. We watch it hoping it’ll make us stronger but it rarely does. We hope we can turn round and say hey this happens, let’s talk about it but instead we feel sick (understandably, it’s a horrific topic for anyone) but it doesn’t actually help people, does it? Did it help you seeing it? Can you honestly say Tyler’s scene helped you? It shocked the world yeah, but not exactly in the best way.

13RW is a show so many people admire and to a degree, so do I. Finally someone’s talking about suicide and yet every time I watch it just breaks me, it just hurts. It doesn’t help me and I know it doesn’t help others.

Is it helping? Or is it just triggering the world? Is it just giving people the wrong ideas? Is it just hurting everyone instead of helping us?

I think if they had to show it with Hannah dying, the important scenes should of been less graphic. It didn’t have to be so full on to get the point across and then all of us could enjoy the show, talk about the show and share our thoughts or personal experiences. I also think they should show an alternative – one where Hannah survives. See her family and peers worried for her survival, see her waking up, see her agreeing to therapy and getting the help she needs. Let’s see her get better and her realising suicide wasn’t the answer. Show people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation that things can get better – fill us with hope. Show us that if we fight, we can win.

Show us there is good in the world even when we can’t see it ourselves.

Dealing with Body Image

I recently shared a tweet where I explained I struggle with body image and when one of these “moments” arose, I put on my favourite jeans and sports bra and danced, took selfies and let myself believe I was worth something.

I think people must look at me and think “her??? She has body image problems? Fuck off have you seen her Instagram?”

And y’know, I get it. I post a lot of selfies, outfits of the day and tend to wear things that show off my figure – skinny jeans, crop tops, short skirts etc. It’s because it’s my style, it’s what I love but also because I feel like I need to fit in. I need to dress my age and look the part. I need the reassurance that I’m not an ugly whale who’s got nothing going for her. I wear the clothes (and the make up) for me but also because I think it’s what I should do. It’s what a twenty year old girl should wear. It’s how I should be seen.

It’s hard. It’s hard having had to deal with this for the last 7 years. It’s hard to see myself in the mirror, I need the right angle and a lot of filters. I need to binge eat and vomit and skip meals. I need to cry into packets of crisps and then hate myself even more for being so stupid – I mean no wonder I’m fat when I comfort eat – and it goes on.

I use different ways to hide my fat, in fact not even my fat, I try different options to hide my shame that comes with having fat – whether it’s buying the right jeans or always having a hoodie/jacket with me, or I go through phases of trying to cut out the carbs and too much calorie counting, I start pulling my stomach in and then get chest pains because I won’t let myself breathe properly. Oh and hold-me-in tights???? Absolute godsend.

Don’t get me wrong, I have good and bad days. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, you know what? I don’t look half as bad I thought! And other days I see an overweight girl who has no shimmer of beauty in her. The days that are positive, I love them. I put on my favourite outfits and I walk through town with whoever, and I almost feel confident, like I could take on the world; with a little bit of help of course. I don’t have bad relationships with food on them days – or maybe I just don’t feel so guilty about it. But it’s never long before it all comes crashing back down. And it always does.

And when it drops, it scares me. It’s a fear in itself to see how much you can loathe yourself, both inside and out. A world of turmoil, a stab of anxiety, a rock of depression falls on me. I can’t let others in when I feel like this, I can’t bare to be seen when I feel so dislodged from my own soul and so instead I shut out the people I love until the thunder passes.

My love for life shoots and slumps and it probably always will. The mind can only take so much negativity before it cracks, then like a shattered vase you glue yourself back together – although never quite the same as you were before.

Body image struggles/body distortion is something that anyone can face – no matter your age, size or shape. Going by my clothing size I am far from obese and yet all I see is fat when I look in the mirror. A person lighter than me can feel like a whale and someone else who’s 12 sizes bigger than me can feel like a Victoria Secrets supermodel. It’s never about your actual size, it’s about how your mind perceives yourself and the world around you.

Never let someone struggle with any mental health issue alone, don’t leave a person because they’re scared to let you in, don’t assume they have no problems because they posted a photo of them laughing or looking “perfect”.

Never forget that mental health is just as important as physical.